Amuro's Insanity!
by LieutenantX
Summary: A look at the wonderful antics of everyone's favorite bushy-browed MIB! An ongoing work, so look back for more antics!
1. Default Chapter

Idiot Stormtrooper productions is trademark of Ian Spalding, Jared Dominey, and Matt Tharby. Use it and Matt'll hack you a new one.  
  
Idiot Stormtrooper Productions proudly presents: Amuro's Insanity!  
  
Everyone's favorite creep! Commander Amuro, or, as we affectionately call him here at ISP, Eyebrows-sama! (Cue 'What ABOUT 'eyebrows'?' sound byte) Ah, yes, Amuro and his eyebrows, his addiction to candy that rivals Majin Buu, his cheap imitation of Haruko's vespa, his sunglasses, his chauvanist passes at Kitsurabami... ah, we love you here at ISP. But enough fanboy worship of the dude in the suit. On with the fic'!  
  
I can't tell you who I work for. We could say they're the government... (Sir, we do work for the government.) Kitsurabami... (Never interrupt you during your monologue, yes sir.) Good. Now where was I? Ah yes. We monitor and police alien activity on the planet earth. Like the movie, Men In Black, but with fewer instances. When they do crop up, we make sure they stay quiet. Most of them would much rather be quiet. On the other hand, the loud ones...  
  
Dear sirs: We would like to file a complaint concerning the noise level at your household. Every night we hear screams, crashes, an engine running louder than it possibly ever could, bass guitar, and repeated cries of 'fooly cooly' and 'Haruko-san belongs to me!', followed by shouted obscenities. What the hell is fooly cooly anyways, and could you please get rid of that racket?  
  
Signed,  
  
(Name deleted for privacy)  
  
Well, we try our best with the loud ones. Admsk. Ever since Medical Mechanica captured him we've been on full alert. Raharu came shortly after, just like I thought. I'd seen her before. After all, this wasn't Admsks'... Admsk's... Admsk's's... oh, screw it. This wasn't his first trip to Earth. I've seen him before, and her... But enough about that. Now my job is to catch her and throw her in whatever cell fits her best, that's what I was told by my higher ups, and you always have to listen to your higher ups.  
  
"Sir!" Amuro, hereafter referred to as Eyebrows-sama, looked up from where he'd been writing his memoirs. Oh, sure, Kitsurabami told him he was twenty eight, that writing memoirs was stupid. Hey, he could get shot any day in this job, or snapped up alive by a monstrous central core, or run over by that damn vespa woman, or...  
  
"Sir!" "What?!" "Your cookies are done." Eyebrows-sama stood and stretched. He bent over and slid on an oven mitt before opening the oven that had been moved into the command center. He withdrew the cookie sheet and offered it to Kitsurabami. "Cookie?" She made a disgusted face. Just one of those things would give her enough cavities to... Euch! She composed herself and calmly shook her head back and forth 'no'. Ieusus Christo, she had no idea how the man could get so much sugar into those little things! Eyebrows-sama shrugged and peeled one off the sheet with his bare hand, munching away contentedly, dropping crumbs down the front of his suit.  
  
"Delicious. Are you sure you don't want one? I used a new recipe. It uses a sugar I got from Africa." Kitsurabsami shook her head more forcefully and waved a hand. She'd read Heart of Darkness recently. Africa meant bad news.  
  
"Isn't there an assignment I can work on, or something?" As if on cue, an explosion rocked the command center. Amuro tossed the cookie sheet aside, eliciting curses from the poor tech it managed to hit ("ARG! So... sweet! AH! My face is getting cavities! Noooooooo!!!"). "There is now. Let's roll." "Let... Me... IN! Amuro, I know you're in there!" Haruko whacked the door again. It flew open in her face, throwing her backwards a few hundred yards. When she climbed to her feet, she waved her guitar menacingly at the as yet unseen figure in the doorway. "Watch what you're doing! Haven't you ever heard of common courtesy?" There was silence for a moment. "You..."  
  
Haruko grinned and squinted. "Hey, you're taller now. Aw... little Amuro's grown up!" The sound of several hundred bullets being chambered into several hundred guns did not fail to reach Haruko's ears. Now that she looked around, she saw the owners of those guns were dressed in black suits. And, as Haruko's experience had taught her, men in suits usually involved shooting. Which would explain all the guns quite nicely. "Drop the bass." Eyebrows-sama stepped into the light. And just like everyone who saw him, Haruko recoiled, bringing one arm up to shield herself. "Eyebrows!" "What about eyebrows?"  
  
Haruko shook her head. "You have grown up." "Raharu... drop the bass." Haruko dropped her voice down to a very bad gangster impression. "You'll never take me alive, coppers!"  
  
Thousands of bullets and thourough ridicule of poor Eyebrows-sama later...  
  
Eyebrows-sama cursed and punched the ground. "She walked right into my hands! How can she get away?! How does she do that! God damn vespa woman!"  
  
"Sir?" "Not now, Kitsurabami!" "Sir, your eyebrows." "Huh?" He screamed. He couldn't find them anywhere! He pawed around on the ground, searching, searching...  
  
"Oh, MAN!"   
  
"Well, how do I look?"  
  
Haruko struck a pose, the enormous fake eyebrows disappearing into her hairline. "Really, really, stupid." Naota muttered, not even looking at her. Canti looked into the room, a load of whites in his arms. A thumbs up flashed across his screen for a moment before he continued down the hall. Haruko looked up at her new assets and grinned. "Hey, Ta-kun..." "No way." "Oh, yes!" "No way!" "Come back here!" "Get those away from me, you crazy woman!" "Ta-kun! Are you fooly coolying my Haruko in there?" "Dad! Help!" "Don't be afraid, son! Go for the G-spot!"   
  
Naota screamed. 


	2. Kitsurubami: Great, now I work with TWO ...

Idiot Stormtrooper Productions presents, even more proudly than the last time,  
  
Amuro's Insanity: Everybody's Got Something to Hide, 'cept for me and My Monkey!  
  
Yessir, what could be better than just Eyebrows-sama? How about Eyebrows- sama and a monkey? Where do we come up with this... (Maybe next time we'll have a kung-fu chapter.)  
  
He remembered. Although people dream when they're asleep, as opposed to remembering, he remembered anyway. (Sir, you're getting shoe prints on your desk.)  
  
Go away, Kitsu-chan! You'll wake him!  
  
(Kitsu-chan?)  
  
Go back to sleep! You're supposed to be remembering!  
  
I heard that. (Kitsu-chan?)  
  
So I'm too lazy to type Kitsurubami-chan. (Ag! The narrator has a crush on me!)  
  
Fine. Endure this and I swear I'll write a sweet Kitsu-chan/Canti fic'. (Swear?)  
  
Yes. Now, where was I?  
  
He remembered. Although people dream when they're asleep, as opposed to remembering, he remembered anyway. It was a long time ago. He didn't have his day job then, just a nasty night gig in an office full of smoke, with his only company being his good friend Mr. Jack Daniels, and his slightly better friend Mr. Beretta. The door always squeaked like a rusty cat when it opened, and then that bombshell just waltzed on in. His feet had been on the table then, too, his eyebrows disappearing beneath the brim of a fedora, his hairy knuckles weren't quite so hairy, but that didn't matter when he kept them in the soft, rough pockets of a trenchcoat. "Whaddya' need?" He'd asked the broad. "Sir, are you Amuro?"  
  
"That's me. The sign on tha' door mighta' not toldya' that? Takea' seat." She sat, from somewhere soft jazz played. No color in the world then, everything in black and white... "I need help, sir."  
  
"Help?"  
  
"I've heard you're a straight shooter, one who works so discreetly, and I need help."  
  
"Shooting? That'll cost ya' extra."  
  
She tilted her head a little, smiling so seductively. "I'm sure we can..."  
  
His eyes seemed to go over to x20 magnification as she licked her lips, so slowly.  
  
"Work something out?"  
  
His pants were tighter than they'd been a minute ago. His expression was having a hard time staying at that cold red steel it had always retained. He reached into a drawer and took a handful of bullets, stuffing them into his pocket. "Let's go."  
  
Millions of bullets later, he dove behind a manhole, firing blindly at those last few goons that had been chasing them. The bombshell followed him closely like a moray eel, he stood and leaned against a door set in the wall, his arm finding the knob, twisting it and seeing that it was locked like a bad ending to a good movie. He hammered his revolver and unlocked the door in the tried and true fashion of the American lumberjack, tossing it inward with a slam. "Kinnai get that rewahrd now?" The bombshell's eyes began to glow red, like someone had recolorized Amuro's memories to a photo-negative. The soft jazz picked up it's tempo. "Hey, babe, are you alright?"  
  
The sound of the bass became different, wilder, more distorted. The world bent in an insane perspective. And then, the most unheard of sound in film noir took hold of Amuro's senses. Electric guitar! "NO!"  
  
Amuro's world snapped into color. Raharu's bass came crashing down on Amuro's skull. The bombshell dress shredded itself, the woman beneath in that same yellow jumpsuit she wore today. As Amuro fell back, the belt of his trenchcoat opening itself, revealing the same suit he always wore. He'd been tricked! Betrayed! "Sir?" And he didn't even get laid! "Sir!" "NOOO!!!"  
  
"Uh, sir?"  
  
"What is it?" "Your coffee's ready."  
  
"Thanks, Kitsu-chan."  
  
Kitsu-chan blushed a disgusted shade of blue.  
  
(Oh, man, why do I have to endure this?) "Oh, and Kitsu-chan?" "Yes, sir?" "Have you seen Shabutaro?" "No, sir."  
  
This begs the question. Who's Shabutaro?  
  
"Sir. what is it?"  
  
They had been deployed to clean up a mess left by a class II Polythenian apparition. The highway was a wreck. Bits of gel, destroyed cars, and the remains of some poor guitar wielding sap thrown against the highway divider were strewn everywhere. Kitsu-chan gave the creature a gentle poke. It screeched at her. She screeched back. Both ran in opposite directions. Eyebrows-sama squatted down and clucked his tongue, trying to get the little creature to come back to him. "It's a common chimpanzee, Pan troglodytes. Didn't you pay attention in high school biology?"  
  
"Maybe! Just make it go away!" "Come here, little fellow."  
  
The chimp sniffed Eyebrows-sama's hand apprehensively, then crawled up his arm and rested on his shoulder.  
  
"There we go."  
  
He smiled.  
  
"Isn't he cute?" Kitsurubami approached it, again apprehensively.  
  
"Well, kind of." It screeched at her again. She screamed and dove for cover, coming back up with her gun drawn. Electricity arced at the center of his forehead, winding up his eyebrows in a Jacob's ladder. "HOW DARE YOU POINT A GUN AT SOMETHING SO SWEET, INNOCENT AND DEFENCELESS!"  
  
Now the monkey ran for cover. Amuro curled up in a corner. "And to think I once loved you..." A sweatdrop crept down the back of Kitsurubami's head. The chimpanzee approached Eyebrows-sama apprehensively, poking him once before climbing up his back and combing through his hair for lice. Of which he found none, luckily. Eyebrows-sama's eyes rolled up to look at the tiny creature.  
  
"Aww. Isn't he cute? Let's go. Our work here is done."  
  
"Yes, sir!"  
  
Kitu-chan smiled. With the end of the chapter, that meant she was going to get to be in another fic', with Canti! Her eyes lit up. Oh, Canti, he's a real man! She could just be held by him for... "Kitsu-chan?"  
  
"Coming, sir!"  
  
We'll see you next time, on Amuro's Insanity! 


End file.
